Lately, I have lost my joy and hope. I feel empty or nothing. I use to sing and dance in the kitchen when I cooked. I use to love cooking and listening to music.

I don’t anymore. I lost that joy somewhere along the way last fall. Last fall is when I started losing pieces of myself and my joy and hope.

Little things happened, like too many things on plate. Family stressors, finances, and so forth. And each time something would happen I would lose that joy.

I was angry and bitter. Every little thing set me off. I was on my dang nerves too. My periods had gotten heavier and then I started having two periods a month in Febuary.

I realized in the fall I was experiencing perimenopause symptoms after lots of research and talking to a few friends who have gone or going through it as well. My gyno left the practice here and I was like hmmm. What do I do now?

I kept telling myself I can do this and make changes. I was not a nice person and I didn’t have a filter. I couldn’t control my irritability or my mouth. Which is not like me. I am a happy, bubbly, and joyful person. So, I was not liking myself.

I took a step back from scout committees and after the spring I really took a step back because it was all too much. It was work and it wasn’t fun anymore. I was and still am constantly exahusted.

It did help relieve some stress but I am still not myself.

I went to the doctor today. I have a referal with a new gyno and a refferal with a therapist. I will be starting two new meds to help relieve my perimenopause symptoms and anxiety. Along with some vitamins. I have lost 8lbs since May. Which is nice even if I don’t feel it. I have been making healthier food choices. Nice to see it on the scale even if I can’t see it or feel it in my body right now.

This was step one in seeking help. I believe God led me to my doctor and her specifically to help me. I burst into tears when I was talking to her and she gave me tissues and said, we are going to get you feeling better. It wasn’t a quick appointment. We went through medicines and past medicines. Side effects and such. God gives us people in our lives to help us. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. God has a plan for you. Trust that.

I feel a little more positive now. Such a long story to get to my point. I know that I will get my joy back. I will find a new verison of myself. There’s a song lyric that says, “I know you are working, even when I don’t feel it.” I may not feel ok right now or joyful, but I feel hopeful that I will soon. God has me. He’s got this.

My faith has never waivered in Him. He will deliver me. My full trust has always been in Him. I am sure people are like how can you feel anxious, stressed, and depressed when you know Jesus is there? Because I am human with human emotions. But I know who to turn to when I feel like this. There has never been a moment when I doubted God or got angry with him.

So, I’m not ok, but I will be. I think the hurricane has disapated into a tropical story? Hopefully.

Lord, we pray for our joy to return. To laugh and be happy. To geniuely smile again and feel it. We pray to be hopeful in your plan for us. Give us courage and strength. Help us discover ourselves in you again, Lord. We know joy comes in the morning. Please let us feel that joy. In your name, Amen

James 1:2–4

[2] Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, [3] for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. [4] And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (ESV)

Psalms 63:7-8

[6] for you have been my help [7]and in ^dthe shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. [8]My soul ^eclings to you;your right hand ^fupholds me. (ESV)