Keep Going and Press In

Vulnerability and Ugly Truths

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maclawhon13

Hi. I wanted to write nightly but that hasn’t happened.

I’ve fallen back into my hole. No motivation. No energy. Moody. I’m about to start my cycle again.

My cycles are 20 days apart. 20 days!! Ugh. I go to the gyno at the end of August.

I’m tired of feeling like this. I like rot on the couch or in my bed. I’ll find a show or a book. But I won’t even shower or brush my teeth till bedtime.

I want to cry as I write this. I’m not taking care of myself this week. I don’t feel like a good mom at all or a wife. Tonight I didn’t even cook supper. I just didn’t want to and just didn’t care to. Everyone ate though. Spent money on take out that we didn’t have. Because it’s up to me to cook.

My husband is busting his ass in this heat and I couldn’t make him a good meal…I feel like I’m failing everyone in my household.

3 out of 5 days I haven’t done much. I did clean and organize the pantry yesterday. Monday I cleaned the kitchen and floors.

I did fold laundry today.

But I could have done more. Not like cleaning but could have done something more with my time than rot.

Why couldn’t I have taken a shower this morning? Been a little more productive? Been creative? Worked on my scout calendar? Anything?

I had to take an Ativan 30 mins ago because my anxiety was creeping up on me and my heart was having palpitations.

This is what I’ve been dealing with since June.

It’s embarrassing. Vulnerable and just the ugly side of depression. Perimenopause induced depression. Summer is usually the worst on my depression because I’m out of routine but it’s not usually this bad.

I know that I will get better. Just in my feels tonight and my big girl panties aren’t working right now.

But I’m trying. I know some can relate to this feeling. Some don’t want to admit it or talk about it. And that’s ok. It’s taken me a lot to write and share this.

But you’re not alone. I’m not alone. We don’t talk about this enough. Our hormones. And the real nitty gritty of depression. It’s ugly.

Love yall. We’re all going to keep going and press on. We’ve got this and God has us.

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One response to “Vulnerability and Ugly Truths”

  1. Jamie Cline Avatar
    Jamie Cline

    You’re definitely not alone. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’ve dealt with depression the majority of my life. Truth is… no one and I mean no one has it all together like we think we should. Unless they are incredibly wealthy and have hired hands to do everything for them. It’s perfectly ok to take some, what I like to call, “recover days”. As a matter of fact it’s necessary. The house chores can wait. Also, you are not the only one living in the house. Kids are old enough that I suggest splitting up all the chores. And as far as cooking meals go.. We used to have a night every week when I was a kid that we called “fend for yourself”. We made sandwiches or ramen or whatever we could find in the cabinets..To give mom a night off. Because it is a lot and can become overwhelming. You’re not alone. You are enough. And you are loved!! Call me anytime, I’m with you!! – Jamie

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